-.F I R S T.T H I N G S.F I R S T.-
[my name is]: if you are meant to know, you will.
[in the morning i am]: blind before i put my contacts in.
[all i need is]: my sanity.
[love is]: everywhere.
[i'm afraid of]: blindness.
[i dream about]: nothing.
-.F A V O R I T E S.-
[color]: black or blue.
[number]: 1.
[subject]: japanese.
[clothing brand]: nothing in particular.
[shoe brand]: converse.
[sport to play]: watch- baseball. i don't play.
[drink]: coffee.
[animal]: fox.
[holiday]: holidays have lost their meaning for me, so none.
-.H A V E.Y O U.E V E R.-
[pictured your crush naked?]: no crush~
[actually seen your crush naked]: nope.
[been in love]: define.
[cried when someone died]: yes.
[lied]: duh.
-.W H O.-
[makes you laugh the most?]: online buddies from overseas.
[makes you smile]: V6
[gives you a funny feeling when you see them]: people i don't want to see.
[has a crush on you?]: hmm... jw.
[is easiest to talk to]: as of late, i don't really take notice.
-D O.Y O U.E V E R.-
[sit on the Internet all day waiting for someone special to I.M. you?]: used to, but i figured time could be better spent.
[save aol/aim conversations]: my autosave option is on.
[wish you were a member of the opposite sex]: yes.
[cry because of someone saying something to you]: not immediately. once.
-.H A V E.Y O U.E V E R.-
[fallen for your best friend]: if you're thinking zx, no. but i'm not sure about the other way.
[been rejected]: no. i backed off voluntarily.
[rejected someone]: yes.
[used someone]: yes.
[done something you regret]: obviously.
-.W H O.W A S.T H E.L A S T.P E R S O N.-
[you talked to on the phone]: chris.
[hugged]: weiting.
[you instant messaged]: shaggy23- to bitch about JE.
[you laughed with]: see above.
-.D O.Y O U / A R E.Y O U.-
[obsessive]: yes.
[could you live without the computer?]: unless there are better things to do than stone alone.
[how many peeps are on your buddylist?]: 64.
[fruit?]: favourite? apple/pineapple.
[drink alcohol?]: yes.
[like watching sunrises or sunset]: sometimes.
[what hurts the most?]: apathy is the way to go.
[trust others way too easily?]: no.
-.N U M B E R.-
[of times you have had your heart broken?]: once.
[of hearts u have broken?]: i'm not sure.
[of continents you have lived in?]: one.
[of drugs taken illegally?]: none that i know of.
[of tight friends?]: i don't know =P
[of cd's that you own?]: 24 V6 plus a few others, if you're talking about authentic ones.
[of scars on your body ?]: alot.
[of things in your past that you regret?]: too many.
-.P I C K.O N E.-
[marry perfect friend or perfect lover]: lover.
[cats or dogs]: dogs.
[i pillow or 2]: 1.
[w/ or w/o ice cubes]: with.
[top or bottom]: middle.
[winter/spring/summer/fall]: spring/fall. i don't like extremes.
[night or day]: depends on the mood.
[gloves or mittens]: gloves.
[dressed or undressed]: dressed.
[bunk or waterbed]: bunk.
[mtv or vh1]: mtv.
[ocean or pool]: ocean to watch, pool to relax in.
[showers or baths]: showers in the summer, baths in the winter.
[love or lust]: love.
[silver or gold]: white gold.
[diamonds or pearls]: diamonds. if just for the price tag.
-.I F.Y O U.C O U L D.-
[move anywhere]: japan, new york.
[meet one famous person]: inocchi.
[live with one person the rest of your life]: -
[name one thing you love]: nature.
[name one thing that embarrasses you]: when i do something embarrassing??
[do you like school?]: if not for the people, not really.
[do you like to talk on the telephone?]: don't have the habit.
[do you like to dance?]: nah.
[do you sing in the shower?]: no.
[do you think cheerleading is a sport?]: yes.
[what's on your ceiling?]: ceiling light.
[what's the hardest thing about growing up?]: discovering things that bring out the other side of human nature.
i'd like to think i'm fairly tolerant of people and their actions. i can tolerate cold wars without reason, people who are full of themselves and quite abit more.
but i am soon going to be driven up the wall by the group of people who are my AA205 groupmates.
i guess i've already "complained" to people who would understand, but at the end of the day, it's still me that has to stick with it, all the way till 10 march 2006.
it would do no good to talk it out with them, and i'm in no mood too, especially since i've already created tension with that argument with one of them.
shouganai wa =(
and surprisingly, or not, french is beginning to kill me.
i guess japanese was more structured a language; we learnt the exact pronunciation right at the beginning, and since japanese wasn't made of roman alphabets, the system of pronunciation was much easier. not to talk about grammar and sentence structures.
it is beginning to frustrate me. since i believe that one of the most important aspects of a language is accurate pronunciation.
maybe its time to source for external practice.
if i even have the time to.
sometimes it's not good to read too much into song lyrics.
it might bring an already less-than-perfect world crashing down on me. and that's not good, especially since i finally have it under control now.
went on a shopping trip for presents yesterday. somehow people that i will get presents for all have their birthdays late january, early february =X
felt quite screwed before that, which explains the incoherent entry before this, but the day turned out fine~
managed to settle everyone's except melvin's within the four hours. what do you get a guy who has everything he needs?
got weiting the four leaf clover pendant she wanted, hundred-dollar levis voucher for wj, and the zip pouch xinen wanted for her nano.
hah, the nano looks so pretty la~ i'm jealous =P
haven't bought so many presents in such a short time before.
ah well, there's always a first time :)
*
from sunday:
i feel damn screwed over by the subject known as AA205.
i really wanted to pack up and walk out halfway through the lesson today but,
there's too much at stake.
is there?
watching myself on video didn't turn out to be as "mortifying" as i thought. although the quality of the video was so lousy i couldn't even make out the features on my face -.-"
what shocked me was the voice.
i sounded totally different from what i thought i sounded like. people always say you sound different from what you hear yourself to be, but the difference was... alot. haha.
but it was interesting. had a good time laughing at myself XP
*
for the record, _____ called last night. out of the blue, and i haven't talked to him for almost two months now.
talked to him for about an hour and funnily, i felt better after that. it might seem quite perverse, seeking comfort in a person i shouldn't be "playing" with, but sometimes... people do what they perceive is best for themselves within a situation.
self-maximising individuals making the best out of their boundaries aye?
sometimes i wonder if i made the right move to give out this address to people i know personally.
especially when there are things to say about certain people, but knowing exactly who reads this thing would make everything quite obvious, even without names.
zx always reproached me for keeping problems and opinions to myself even when they shouldn't be. but there are things which are better left unsaid, even to people you really trust, especially when they are not about yourself and nothing good will come out of it.
there were times when i came on the verge of spilling everything out. but there's always this thing pulling me back. i don't know what it exactly is, but maybe it is the irate fear of judgement and labelling that's holding me back. there's probably more to it, but this will suffice for now.
i'm overreacting, i know.
but won't be updating for awhile.
i need a blank space for myself.
and don't ask whether i'm okay.
after all, what is the answer you want to hear?
am actually dizzy and light-headed with fatigue and i haven't started my first lesson of the day (!)
talk about it being the third week of school.
but nevermind, i got my pamphlet yesterday. which makes me a happy girl~
i still haven't forgiven mise for obscenely overpricing it (its more than double the original bleah), but at least it was worth it :)
reading it only made me fangirl them all over again although the pictures weren't really that fantastic and i will take almost an eternity to finish reading it.
especially since music from SHOCK has taken over my playlist for the month, at least.
speaking of it, i want the dvd (online at 170 bucks)!! it just revived my interest in musicals. but nah, will probably wait for the ever-slow JE/HMV to bring it in three or four months later and then i'll put my vouchers to good use =)
the thought of ending at 1830 is starting to ruin my day.
went back to school to discuss marketing project coz it was bloody crowded and noisy in jp. but it was okay in the end; finished at around eight pm, earlier than anticipated.
glad my groupmates are nice, unlike you-know-who.
collecting my concert pamphlet tomorrow!
the mise person called me personally this evening so i may be going down straight after lessons. that is, if i don't decide to go home before meeting xinen at five plus. hmm, should i?
was reading accounts of how alot of "xiao mei mei" were crowding outside the shop on sunday at 5pm coz that's when the whole batch of winter concert goods arrived. news, kinki, w-inds and blah. i'm sure none of them preordered V6 stuff =but nah. i'm not that kind of fan, i hope.
okay, wasted enough time here.
i'm supposed to be working on my presentation for tomorrow morning!
life is unfair.
i feel like crying now. badly.
but what for?
no, it has nothing to do with you.
i actually enjoyed myself today :)
things will never be the same again, but i'm learning to live with what i have.
bon voyage.
so it is when i'm both drained and jaded when the article about japan's 2007 problem resurfaces again.
with workers retiring en masse from 2007 to 2009, the country will definitely experience labour shortage.
significance? 2007 is the year i graduate, and really step in the working world of adults.
i won't deny that thoughts about uprooting for good have crossed my mind. i miss the authentic japanese foodfare there; i don't want to live in a country which is fast becoming overflooded with foreign talent; i don't want to stay in a place where there is little tolerance for unconventional talent and where the local tv shows bore me to death with their non-existent humour and bland storylines.
i want a place with four seasons, a place to enjoy the changing seasons, with many real nature spots a few hours drive away. i want a place with an emphasis on quality merchandise and excellent 民风 unlike people who inconsiderately spit in public, litter without batting an eyelid and turn a blind eye to people who really need seats on public transport.
i've said enough.
but then again, it isn't easy to give up what i have here.
the safety from natural disasters; familiarity and most importantly, people who have made a positive difference in my life, which unfortunately aren't many.
-
second week of school gone.
fast enough for me. i just hope to get it over and done with.
then i'll decide what to do with my life.
and the little sister has passed on going to japan in december in favour of her church camp.
what is the world coming to?
honestly, i'm tired of having to entertain new people.
i feel like surrounding myself with people i have known for some time; somewhere where i feel safe.
why do i treat people so nicely all the time?
闇につつまれた海 その先を見つめて
波際をただ一人 ゆっくりと歩いている
そっと風が 問いかける
he whispered softly in my ears...
tell me what you are searching for?
誰かを傷つける時もあった
you’ll never know when my heart breaks
昨日の自分に別れを告げて
i say good bye to yesterday
砂の上の足跡 少しつづ消えてく
ただ波の音だけが 静けさの中に浮かぶ
押し寄せる 波さえも
they come and go and wash away
can you feel?
星たちが 問いかける
while shining high up in the sky...
tell me what are you crying for?
今は涙見せてもかまわない
you’ll never show me your true heart
海に浮かぶ月がそっと揺れる
can you feel the warmness of the ocean?
瞳を閉じて闇に手を伸ばす
you’ll never know the deepness of the darkness
昨日の自分に別れを告げて
i say goodbye to yesterday
in the deep blue ocean
i can feel my loneliness
but i feel the warmness, too...
in the starlight night
i can feel my loneliness
but i will say goodbye to yesterday,
and me
- 堂本光一 (2005)
strangely,
i can relate to the song in a manner that scares even myself. the mood of the song is very apt as well.
as you can tell, i've resorted to using song lyrics to express how i feel...
why, oh why?
it has been raining almost non-stop these two days and therefore resulted in me developing a grudge against SMRT for changing the 806 bus route. but i love the weather~
reminds me of the time it rained non-stop for the three days we were running around in tokyo, especially ikebukuro :)
reached home two nights in a row to find everyone in the house already in bed hmm. saturday night was spent in marina then to my secret hideout; sunday was spent celebrating laypeng's 21st birthday. late, i know, but she was in malaysia on the fourth =P
tutorials today were.. okay i guess.
but my marketing tutor was entertaining. starting at 840am was almost forced on us and i think he is one of the rare tutors who doesn't focus only on accounting zzz.
everyone's talking about giving tuition. am quite tempted but...
nah.
*
the annual 成人式 took place today at tokyo, to celebrate the coming-of-age for japanese males who turn 20 in the preceding year.
and the "见证人" was inocchi!!
i can't remember the entire list of johnny's boys. but i think junno and yamapi are included :)
-
i still haven't decided when to meet him.
or whether i even want to.
after that first language class today following a verrrry boring company law lecture, i realised how much i missed them.
somehow knowing that it isn't a core subject takes the tension out of the class, and like all language teachers are in my opinion, she was good. although a little scary when we first went into the class and got assaulted immediately by a torrent of french :P
this may just add a spark of life into this sem.
and i just found out my student assistant pay is going to get an increase of a dollar per hour! muahaha -evil laughter-
okay.
time to get started on my homework, or i'll never get anything done. hell, i don't even know what i need to do.
my stamina (or lack thereof) is really draining out slowly. after 10.5 hours in school with 6 hours of lessons, i was ready to go to bed an hour ago.
things are still keeping me up, but school has officially swung into session, and it is therefore time to keep away all emotional baggage and put my full concentration into lessons.
seriously, i can't wait for the next 15 weeks to be over.
the feeling is coming out again: 一人暮らしをしたい.
i've enough of the maternal unit nagging non stop when i'm in her line of sight, the sibling unit into nothing but religion and the paternal unit when he is in one of his moods.
at times like this, i really hope that i'll get to go on exchange.and not come back.
overdue entry, since its already three days into the new year called 2006.
gave up making screencaps of the countdown concert, acquired after the links were posted up (thanks minna for notifying me!) and quite a hard time navigating through korean to get round clubbox.
but everybody looked great as usual, and matchy turned up! he stole the show though, with at least six or seven of his songs in the fifty minute broadcast.
inocchi was hyper as ever and he was making me go 'cute! cute!' when he was on screen -hides- and tsuyo needs to lose weight. straightened his hair but ya, visible la.. tacchon, on the other hand needs to gain weight!
more weight makes you look better, as evidenced by yamapi, who looks tons better now with his black hair and sixty plus kilos =)
other than that, there really isn't much to blog about.
so i shall do something that has been making its rounds in fangirl blogs recently (overdue, as usual) =P
Describe how you became a JE fan.
okay, how to start. knew a little about ultraman starring hiroshi in 1997, and soon forgot about it. also heard about kindaichi showing on local tv in 1998/9 as well.
then in 2000, candy introduced me to the other half of kinki kids (domoto koichi, which she is a huuuugeee fan of). i remember not thinking much about him and fate also caused me to tape down a short version of V6's space concert showing on the then TCS.
at that time, jpop was all the rage, especially V6's change the world, which was hogging airwaves here (strange that it didn't receive that much appeal in japan). i had begun watching music station and stumbled across the performance that held me at once- kiseki no hajimari. teenage also carried them on their front cover and i still don't know why i liked inocchi at the first glance.
curiousity brought me to kino's japanese section and when i picked up that first unwrapped magazine with them on the cover, there was no turning back =)
okay, that pretty much sums it up~
and as a reward to all for reading, i present: